You'll need this:

When I was a baby d.j. and honing my craft, I decided it would be helpful if I broadened my horizons and branched out more. My thinking was it might help my career, and if it didn't, so what, it's always interesting to try new things.  So what I did was write a short set of stand up jokes and stories.  Polished it as much as an amateur could, and then booked two gigs.  I remember I got paid for one of them, but don't recall the amount. And I think the other one was just to do a comedy set for the experience. Anyway, it was the exact same set. Same stories. Same jokes.  However it was a very different crowd. The first night I got laughs and enjoyed it. The second appearance at a company party, doing the same bits, nothing. Crickets.  Barely a laugh.  And there's nothing worse on stage.

Anyway, purely amateur but maybe it's time to write (or steal from Facebook) a new set of material. But I don't want to perform it. I want you to. With all that we've experienced in the past 5 months, anniversary date today, maybe you can work this material on your co-workers on the next Zoom call.  Or on your family when you're not venturing very far from home. Load up that Sound Effect and here we go.

I still can't believe people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.  (Insert sfx here)

I'm going to stay up on New Year's Eve this year. Not to see the New Year in, but to make sure this one leaves

At the store there was a Big X by the register for me to stand on...I've seen too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that one.

They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store. They lied. Everyone else had clothes on.

Keep in mind, even during a pandemic, no matter how much chocolate you eat, your earrings will still fit

If I had only known in March, it would be my last time in a restaurant, I would have ordered dessert

Having some states lock down and some states not lock down is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool

Until further notice, the days of the week are now called, thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and next day.

The dumbest thing I've ever purchased was a 2020 planner

When does Season Two of 2020 Start? I do not like Season One

The buttons on my jeans have started social distancing from each other

I never thought the comment "I wouldn't touch him or her with a 6 foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are.

Okay, they were 'borrowed' from Facebook.  Maybe you can pass them along to your kids. And if you can smile with all that's going on, you'll be better for it.


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